To The Baby I’ll Never Hold

48 hours.

That’s how long we knew you.

48 hours.

One day, my world was changed forever, and a mere two days later, it was taken from me.

We never met, but I miss you.

I imagined what my pregnancy would be like. If it would be easier or harder than my first, we contemplated names, we guessed gender (boy), and we celebrated the tiny life inside of me.
Your Dad was so happy.

I surprised him when he came home from work with a note, a cupcake, and the tests.


He was so happy.

When I saw the blood, I knew. We rushed to the ER, they confirmed what we thought was true.

They told us we had lost you.

But ‘it’s okay, it was early, you’re young and perfectly healthy, you can try again!’ They said.

I had to go back to the doctor the next day for a follow up where they told me again that I had lost you.

And again, for blood work. They called me after to tell me that the blood work confirmed that I had indeed, lost you.

I don’t know how many doctors, in how many different ways, needed to tell me that I lost you, but it felt so excessive.

I bled for what felt like forever. With every trip to the bathroom I was reminded that you were no longer there. And I cried.

Would you look like your big brother? Like me? Like your dad?

I think about you all the time. And I wonder.

You were only in there for 4 weeks. And I only knew it for 2 days. But that short amount of time changed me forever.

I will never forget you, and I will never not celebrate that we made you, that you were there, that you existed.

I wish I could have met you. I know we’ll try again but I wish I could have met YOU. You were loved by so many.

And, yet, I am so thankful. I rejoice in my fertility. I rejoice in my family. I am blessed to have your Dad to lean on, and you brother to snuggle. We’ll never forget you. You changed us and I am so happy to have had you, no matter how short of a time.

See you soon, baby.



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