“That little pink plus sign is so unholy.” -Juno
One day, life is carefree and fun. You’re young and you’re reckless, and your Friday nights include pizza, wine, friends, and more wine. But the very next day, life throws you a curveball you never would expect. And you think your life is over. All your plans are shattered. But maybe, just maybe, the curveball is the best thing that ever happened to you.
There are moments when your life changes forever. Graduations, weddings, moving to a new city, etc. But there’s nothing that can truly prepare you for when you find out you’re going to be a parent.
The first, very real, and normal reaction is fear. I remember being alone in the bathroom, watching that little plus sign appear and choking back sobs. Sliding down the wall and sitting on the floor with my head in my hands. I took a moment to myself before going out to face my husband. I knew this was not what either of us wanted, but the news would be especially hard for him. How would we survive this? Financially? Emotionally? Physically? In the span of two minutes, everything is my life was different. A little stick had told me my future, and it was not what I had planned or expected. I felt sick, and I felt helpless, but most of all, I felt scared. I was not fit to be anyone’s Mom, I could hardly take care of myself! While I tried to calm myself down, I prayed and prayed, as I never had before for clarity, for reassurance, and for hope. After a second or two, I felt a different emotion. Joy.
I clutched my stomach and let out a little laugh. Sure this was terrifying, but there was life inside of me. A little person my husband and I had created.
The product of true love.
That was the moment I became a Mother. And I know because for every second after that my first instinct was always protection. And although it took Kurtis a little longer, it became his as well. We prayed together for this child and that The Lord would change our hearts about it, that we could become excited. And we did. Our perspectives changed as we told friends and family, and watched them experience joy as well. We started talking names and planning a nursery. We talked with smiles on our faces about our future family, when we wanted more kids, and all the adventures we would have.
Every emotion you experience during a big life change is significant. I cannot even believe the range of emotions I felt during that first 5 minutes, let alone the last 8 months! I have never felt so equally scared and joyful about something in my life. But I know The Lord has a handle on it, as well as on my heart. And as we prepare to become parents, we know we have nothing but love and support from everyone we care about. We can do this.
I was able to catch up with my old friend Taylor and she told me all about her experience with dealing with the emotions of an unexpected pregnancy:
“I wasn’t married. I wasn’t engaged. I was half way through my schooling, we were young, and we were in love. The summer of 2013 had just begun and there was no one I wanted to spend it with more than my boyfriend at the time. We spent the first three weeks of summer in typical collegiate summer bliss, staying up too late and sleeping in all day paired with loads of junk food and friends.
Then, one day, I missed my period. Convinced I shouldn’t be worried as it was only one day, I casually brought it up as he laughed and hugged me reassuring me that we would be just fine and we grabbed a pregnancy test “just in case”. He woke me up the next morning reminding me that I wanted to take it before he left. I moped out of bed and took it out of its package and did what needed to be done and then waited.
It recommend 3 minutes, but no more than 3 seconds later a big, bold, blue plus sign appeared. To this day there’s no accurate way to describe what I felt or the thoughts that went through my head. My heart did not sink, it fell and shot through my feet. It was days before we brought it back up. I don’t think either of us really knew what to say, especially to not hurt the other person. Where there was always a constant fear there was a subtle moment of peace within myself. I questioned God’s work with me, what he wanted of me, and all at the same time I knew. I knew how lucky I was.
Weeks went by and we told our families who while in shock came on board quickly and soon it came time to see this baby, a figment of our imagination, for the first time. His/her feet kicked and jumped and the hands waved and we cried. What a perfectly beautiful and absolutely incredible thing we were doing. Weeks turned into months and we were able to feel our little baby move around as we laughed and got ourselves ready. But one thing no one told me was that I would never truly feel “ready”. It all still seemed unreal, toting around a massive belly and all, I could never wrap my head around the idea. All I knew was that I was in for an emotional ride.
40 weeks came… and 40 weeks passed. I was so misersble, and upset, and tired as I went in for an induction I didn’t begin to think I would actually be leaving with a baby. Contractions, water breaking, walking and walking and more contractions and I still had no idea what I was doing. It all blurred together, and then I heard it. My baby let out one big, bold, blaring cry.
To explain that this moment is primal, instinctual, and so incredibly human doesn’t quite do it justice. I cried and reached for my little one, instantaneously I felt as if I had lived no life without him. How had I known happiness before this moment? I looked in his eyes and found peace, I found clarity and I saw what God had made of my fiance and I. He made us parents. He gave us life’s most beautiful gift wrapped in a bundle of beautiful emotions. God’s timing works wonders. To say that you have complete and total control of your life would be silly, there are things in this world that have to happen. They happen because God knows us better than we know ourselves. Even amidst confusion, frustration and pain I had experienced throughout my journey I know now that he sent my son to save me, even though I was unaware that I needed saving in the first place.”
Catch up with Taylor at
@dirtydiaperdiaries on Instagram
And make sure to check out her blog at:
http://www.dirtydiaperdiaries.coffee
A few other blogging friends of mine wanted to share their stories as well!
Check out Marielle Petkoff’s piece on why she loved being pregnant here:
http://theresplendent.com/motherhood/the-moment-i-realized-i-loved-being-pregnant/
And @mrspetkoff on Instagram
Alessia S-Iera shared about dealing with Postpartum depression here:
http://www.thestyledchild.com/2014/02/postpartum-depression-and-anxiety.html
Find her at @thestyledchild on Instagram
Thank you to all the lovely ladies who were willing to share their stories with me! Go give them all a follow!
xoxo.