Today, we had a pretty disheartening pediatric appointment. I took Sawyer in for his 6 month check-up and his weight gain is not going as hoped. He gained half a pound this month, which is better than last month but still not good.
We’ve been having trouble keeping weight on him for a while now. For the past month I’ve been pumping in between every feeding in attempt to give him a few extra ounces. We’ve also been feeding him oat cereal twice a day. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be helping much and I simply can’t keep up. Before last month, I had an ample freezer supply. Now, I’m down to one bag, and I’m trying to save it for an emergency. My supply just can’t keep up with him.
The PA wanted to run tests to make sure it isn’t something more serious keeping him from gaining weight. He already was scheduled for 3 shots which were bad enough. Then, he had to do a urine test and a blood test. They took 3 full vials of blood while I held him still, screaming in my arms. If you’re a mom, you know how heartbroken I was. I have a hard enough time with his shots, the blood draw was almost traumatizing. We’ll know the results of the tests in a few days. I don’t think there’s anything wrong. I’m sure he just needs to eat more. But, it’s always best to be cautious, and get the tests just in case.
The new plan is to give him formula in addition to breastfeeding. Since my supply just isn’t there, and he needs more than I can give him. I’ve tried to up my supply and so far nothing is helping. The good news is, he’s still going to be nusring just as much. I’m not going to stop breastfeeding. He breastfeeds 5 times a day, and that’s not going to change. Now, I’m just offering him some additional calories after he’s done nursing. We’re also going to be adding in more solids which I’m excited for!
The past couple of weeks I’ve struggled. As I watched my supply go down, I did everything I could to make sure he was getting enough. I used to be able to pump 4 oz every 3 hours whenever I was away from him. So, he got a 4 oz bottle. But, recently, I have only been pumping 2.5-3 oz every 3 hours. No real explanation why. I’ve tried the teas, I’ve tried the recipes, I’ve tried eating more myself, drinking more water, etc. It just doesn’t seem to make much difference. Because of this. I started staying up late, every night, to pump extra milk to add to the supply for my next work day so he could continue to get 4 oz every bottle, plus an ounce or two in between feedings. I was up until 1am almost every night to pump, up with Sawyer 2 or 3 times throughout the night, and then up with him early most mornings.
I am exhausted.
And it still isn’t enough.
The doctor was kind of hard on me today about it. I know she didn’t mean any harm, but she wanted to be very clear that 4 oz every feeding is not enough. And it’s so hard as a mother to hear that. It’s so hard to accept that the thing your body is supposed to naturally do isn’t working right. It isn’t enough from him. He needs more from me and I can’t give it to him and I can’t fix it.
I’m an avid breastfeeding advocate. It’s so hard but so worth it. It’s an amazing and powerful thing to nurture your child, and I’ve loved every cuddly second.
So for me to accept that I needed to start supplementing with formula, was hard. But then I had a realization.
My baby is too small.
My baby is underweight.
My baby needs more.
And it’s hard that I can’t give him that the way I’m used to and the way I’m supposed to. But he needs it. And I need to do what’s best for him. I’ll always do what it is best for him. I will do anything, anything in order to ensure he is growing and in good health. I will always protect and nurture him. And right now, protecting and nurturing him, ensuring he is in good health, means giving him a little formula. That’s what he needs, so that’s what I’ll give him.
I’m happy to keep nursing 5 times a day. I’m happy that our little nursing routine isn’t going to change. And I’m happy to give him a little formula if it means he will grow and gain the weight he needs. I will continue to give him breastmilk as long as I can. I’m hoping to get to at least his first birthday and still have the majority of his diet be breastmilk over formula. I will continue to provide for him as best I can until my body no longer allows me to.
As moms, we can’t always do it all. And we can’t always do what we’re “supposed” to. But we can always do what’s best.
xoxo.
Comments are closed.