If you haven’t already heard the news…I’m pregnant!
I’m about 11 weeks along. We waited to announce due to the fact that we lost our last one, so we wanted to wait until at least the first ultrasound to make sure the pregnancy was viable and going well. We didn’t wait the full 12 weeks most people usually wait to announce, because I’m already showing and couldn’t hide it anymore! I got a little bump probably around 8 or 9 weeks that rounded out by week 10. They sure aren’t kidding when they say you show earlier with your second! I wasn’t expecting this at all! I know it’s a minuscule bump compared to what it will look like 20 weeks from now, but I feel huge. I waited to tell my coworkers until we knew everything was okay and I had to hide it at work, that was stressful.
One day, my world was changed forever, and a mere two days later, it was taken from me.
We never met, but I miss you.
I imagined what my pregnancy would be like. If it would be easier or harder than my first, we contemplated names, we guessed gender (boy), and we celebrated the tiny life inside of me.
Your Dad was so happy.
You only get one chance to announce your pregnancy! It should be special to you, and eye catching to your social media following!
When we announced our pregnancy with Sawyer I scoured Pinterest for weeks trying to find the perfect announcement. I didn’t want anything cliche, and I wanted it to be unique and special. A picture that we could frame and love forever.
I chose right.
Although I did draw inspiration from Pinterest, the image is my own and I had an incredible photographer. To this day it is my most popular blog post ever and it has been re-pinned on Pinterest over 27,000 times! A lot of the traffic to my blog comes from this one pin! Basically, a lot of my success as a blogger comes from my pregnancy announcement (which just goes to show that your content can make or break you! If you ever have questions about starting a blog you can always contact me).
Today, June 22nd, is the first anniversary of the worst day of my life.
On June 21st, 2015, it was Father’s Day. It was an extra-emotional Father’s Day for my family because my own Father, was leaving the next day on a 10 day mission to Iraq. I don’t know if any of you have traveled to Iraq lately, but getting there, and staying there, is currently quite dangerous. There is a lot I can’t say in regards to his trip, but my family and I were quite nervous for his safety. Regardless, he felt called to go, and we knew we had to let The Lord use him. That night, we went out to dinner and then dessert, gave him his gifts, and said our goodbyes.
My dad hugged me a final time before going our separate ways “Don’t have that baby while I’m gone!” he said. “I won’t. I promise.” And I truly meant it. I was only 35 weeks pregnant after all.
The next day, I would be hospitalized.
The next morning, we woke up and Kurtis drove me to my 35 week appointment. Everything looked good except they were concerned that my blood pressure was a little high. They had me stay late for extra monitoring to make sure everything was okay. Thinking everything was fine, Kurtis stepped outside to get on a conference call for work, while I sat in the doctor’s office alone, listening to the baby’s heartbeat.
The doctor came in 20 minutes later, and by the look on her face, I knew something was wrong. Kurtis was still outside and I was alone and terrified. She told me based on my blood pressure and protein found in my urine sample, they were officially diagnosing me with preeclampsia. She told me what preeclampsia was. That my body was basically rejecting pregnancy. That this could result in heart attack, seizure, stroke, and even death. She told me that I should go home and rest and gave me a list of signs to look out for and told me if I had any of them to go to the hospital immediately, and the baby would then have to be delivered. One of the signs was severe headache, that would not go away after taking tylenol. I felt a knot in my stomach and told her I had had a horrible headache since that morning and had taken tylenol hours ago to no avail. I watched her face fall as she told me I needed to get to the hospital right away, and that she was going to call them immediately and tell them that I was coming. I was still alone.
I wandered out into the parking lot, choking back sobs, searching frantically for my husband. I finally saw him around a corner, yelled his name, he lifted his head and his eyes met mine. He took one look at me, barked into the phone at his boss that he had to go and ran to me. I told him what happened through tears and we headed for the car. He prayed over me and the baby and we sped to the hospital. We spent hours in triage while the monitored my blood pressure, trying to decide how to treat me. Eventually, they admitted me.
In the 3 hours since I had arrived my preeclampsia had progressed from mild, to moderate, to severe. They took blood. They took urine. The hooked me up to machines and poked and prodded me. Kurtis called my mom to come stay with me while he went home to get us clothes and other necessities. I wished more than anything my Dad could be with us too.
In the next few days my blood pressure would go up and down, eventually resulting in the emergency delivery of our son via c-section. Preeclampsia robbed me of so much.
(The above image was made using Little Nugget. A photo editing app for parents to capture milestones such as this one. It is available now in the app store!)
Preeclampsia robbed me of my father being present to meet his grandson after he was born. Preeclampsia robbed me of having my father by my side during the scariest event of my life. Preeclampsia robbed me of a labor experience. Preeclampsia robbed me of a birthing experience. Preeclampsia robbed me of a newborn experience.
I am a Mother and yet I have no idea what birth feels like. I have never felt a contraction. I’ve never dilated. I’ve never pushed.
I do know what it feels like to recover from abdominal surgery. I know what it feels like to monitor your blood pressure at home. I know what it feels like to obsess over every little symptom, wondering if it could kill you.
I am a Mother, and I could have died while becoming one.
I am not the same person as I was before June 22nd, 2015. I have never dealt with more stress, more devastation, more disappointment. I was broken. I was weak. I was depressed. And I was sick. So sick, anxiety ridden, and terrified.
But in the year since, I have recovered. I have survived. I am stronger. I am happier. This horrible experience resulted in the greatest blessing. An extra 5 weeks as the most wonderful role on the planet. Sawyer’s Mom.
It took a huge toll on me both mentally, emotionally, and physically. For so long I longed for a normal birth experience. To go back and re-do that horrible week in the hospital. That horrible day I was diagnosed. Is there something I could’ve done differently? Something to prevent this horrible disease from threatening mine and my then unborn child’s life?
There is nothing I could have done. And I am so lucky. I am so lucky to have made it out with my health in tact. I am so lucky that Sawyer was born with strong lungs and no major health concerns. I am so blessed. So blessed.
I thank The Lord every day for taking care of me. For watching over me. For his hand in the whole thing. I wasn’t supposed to go to the doctor that day. It was supposed to be a week later, but something came up and I had to reschedule. It makes me sick to think of what could’ve happened if I hadn’t rescheduled and my blood pressure had continue to climb all week without my knowledge. We could’ve lost Sawyer. They could’ve lost me. I know it’s no coincidence we had to reschedule and I thank The Lord every day for intervening on my behalf. Kurtis wasn’t supposed to be with me. I was supposed to go to the appointment alone, because he had to work. He was able to switch his shift at the last second and come. That was no coincidence either.
In the past year The Lord has taught me so much. About myself, about strength, about trusting in him, and about Motherhood. Preeclampsia is part of who I am. It made me a Mother to the most beautiful little boy. I am filled with joy at the things it’s brought me. It made me a Mother. Kurtis a Father. Our Parents Grandparents. Our Siblings Aunts and Uncles. I would do it all over again, in a heartbeat.
Thank You, Jesus, for this precious gift of health, of life, of family, of love. I am speechless and humbled at the thought of it.
But he said to me ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that Christ may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.- 2 Corinthians 9-10
My whole life I have been a wimp. “Strong” is not a word I would use to describe myself. I don’t like taking big risks, I am a very picky eater, I hate roller coasters, I hate scary movies, I would never go skydiving or bungee jumping, and I have an extremely low pain tolerance.
On June 24th, 2015, I had just been discharged from the hospital after being diagnosed with preeclampsia and put on bed rest. We were so happy to be home but very scared and cautious at the same time. We knew we had to be on alert and make sure my condition didn’t change. We went to sleep in our own bed and slept and slept. We were so exhausted from spending the last 3 days in the hospital, we didn’t wake up until almost 1:00pm the next afternoon. Looking back, I’m so glad we had the chance to do that, that was the last time we would sleep in, probably ever!
June 25th, 2015. Kurtis went out to run some errands and I got a few things done around the house. The doctor I had spoken to before I left told me the bed rest was not strict and I could move around a little. I called my doctor to schedule all my blood pressure tests (they wanted to check my blood pressure regularly until I hit 37 weeks and could safely deliver the baby), loaded the dishwasher, and put in a load of laundry. Feeling like I had probably done enough activity for a while, I settled on the couch and watched some tv. When Kurtis got home, we went over to my mom’s house to discuss the plan for the next 10 days until I delivered. We have air conditioning in our town home but it isn’t ventilated well enough to reach the upstairs so our bedroom gets extremely uncomfortable in the Summer and Kurtis didn’t want me being alone when he went back to work so it was decided on the days he worked I would spend my “bed rest” on my mom’s couch so I could be cool, and she could keep and eye on my symptoms and take back to the hospital if needed.
When we got home from my mom’s it was about 6:00pm. We decided to take my blood pressure. We had a cuff at home and were instructed to take it every few hours. It was expected to still be pretty high since I was still pregnant, but to call them if it got in the “danger” zone.
It was in the danger zone.
At first we decided to wait 30 minutes while I relaxed and then take it again before we panicked. Then I noticed myself starting to get a headache and a pain in the right side of my ribs, two of the warning signs they had told me to watch out for. We took my blood pressure again. It was even higher. Kurtis called the medical advice line and they told us to get to the hospital right away. He grabbed our bags and loaded up the car. We had barely been home 24 hours.
I lost it.
I began sobbing so uncontrollably I could barely breathe. I was clutching onto Bennett like my life depended on it, determined not to leave him. I told Kurtis I wouldn’t go, that I knew they were just going to monitor me again and send me home once I stabilized and we couldn’t keep doing that for the next two weeks. I didn’t want to leave the comfort of my house and my dog to go back to that awful hospital room with the doctors all telling me something different, unable to give me a straight answer to my questions, unable to agree on my treatment, each one having a different plan. I couldn’t go back there and I was determined not to.
Eventually, Kurtis coaxed me to the car and I sobbed the whole way there. We stopped at a gas station where Kurtis got me a protein shake so I would have something in my stomach. We knew once I was admitted I wouldn’t be allowed to eat in case they needed to deliver. When we arrived, they skipped the triage completely and admitted me right away. Nurses swarmed in hooking me up to all kinds of machines. I tearfully gave them my arm each time they wanted blood or an IV. I begrudgingly got up and trekked with all my monitors to the bathroom each time they wanted urine. I was too tired to fight it, to ask them questions. I just laid there like a zombie not wanting to talk to any of them, and just allowed them to do their thing. I was poked and prodded and I tried not to care (my arm would be extremely bruised for 2 weeks after).
June 26th, 2015. After a few hours, Kurtis went to go get himself some food (I, once again was not allowed to eat) while I laid in bed and watched TV. Out of nowhere, an older man with scrubs walked into my room, hastily introduced himself, and started talking about my epidural. He was very direct, to the point, and had probably been talking for 5 straight minutes before he noticed the bewilderment on my face and then asked if the doctor had been in to talk to me yet.
“No!” I exclaimed. I was terrified as to why he was there and why he was talking to me about epidurals. Of course. Kurtis was gone and I was all by myself. I started crying and my nurse ran in and apologized. “We thought the doctor had already talked to you! She was supposed to come in first. We’re going to have ourselves a little birthday party in about an hour.”
And that’s how I found out they had decided it was best to delivery the baby. He was still breeched and we had decided against trying to turn him so C-Section it was. Half of me was terrified, half of me was relieved I wasn’t going to be sent home again. We called our families to let them know the baby was coming while the nurses prepped me for surgery. Our families and a few friends arrived and came back to see us. We visited for a while and then they filed out to let Kurtis and I be alone for a little bit. We spent a few quiet moments together, our last time just the two of us, and then they came to take me away.
I never felt a contraction, I never pushed, I didn’t have my baby set on my chest after delivery. My heart ached for “normal”. There was nothing normal about what was happening here. I prayed for peace the whole way to the OR.
I remember I hated the fluorescent lights. I hated that I could see all the machines and the tools that would momentarily be used to cut me open. I hated that my dad was in Iraq and couldn’t be here. I hated this whole thing. They sat me up on the table and I began shaking uncontrollably and crying and telling Kurtis I couldn’t do this. I was terrified. He held my hands and looked me in the eyes and talked me through the whole thing. They administered the numbing shot first, and then the epidural. It hurt, but I survived. They had me lay back and wait to feel numb. I was still shaking uncontrollably. The epidural took and they began the surgery.
Kurtis stayed by my head and prayed over me and talked to me the whole time. We talked about how we had first met in high school and how we never imagined we’d end up here. Every time I got scared or the tugging and pulling got too uncomfortable I would ask him to pray again. I tried to stay as calm as possible. I heard the doctor announce that she was in and the nurse told me that I was going to feel some uncomfortable pressure in my chest. It was the only part that kind of hurt after the epidural. I tried my best to breathe through it. As I was doing this, Kurtis told me that since I had been through so much, I could pick his middle name. “It’s Sawyer Joshua” I said in between breaths, I felt a final tug and a nurse called out “4:04!” I held my breath waiting to hear my baby cry.
I gave him a few seconds and then I started looking around the room and panicking. “Why isn’t he crying?” I asked the nurses. They assured me that he was fine. I couldn’t see anything over the sheet blocking my stomach. More seconds that felt like hours passed and still, nothing. I was panicked and everyone kept assuring me that he was fine. I wouldn’t find out until later that he wasn’t breathing.
2 minutes and 30 seconds later, right as they were about to intubate him, he let out a scream, followed by crying. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. There are no words to describe how I felt when I finally heard him. I choked back a few sobs and tears ran down my face. It was the first happiness I had felt since this whole nightmare began 3 days earlier. It would still be a while before I could see him so I sent Kurtis over to be with him while they got his stats.
“Babe, he’s 7 punds 2 ounces!” He shouted to me from the other end of the room. We couldn’t believe our preemie was so big! Finally, they wrapped him up, handed him to Kurtis, and he was able to bring him over to me. I looked at him for a few seconds. He was beautiful! Not wrinkly, no cone head or anything! One of the few perks to a C-section. After just a few seconds I got horrible shakes again and got extremely nauseous. I focused on breathing while Kurtis and Sawyer bonded. They stitched me up and transferred me to a bed. They plopped the baby down next to me and wheeled me to recovery.
The next few days are where it gets hard again. I had to be on magnesium for 12 hours in an attempt to keep my blood pressure down. Magnesium is not fun. It makes you extremely hot and gives you flu-like symptoms. I handled it better than I thought I would and didn’t think it was to awful. I got pretty hot at times but I mostly slept through it as I rested after delivery. We all slept for a long while that first day since we had been up all night. My blood pressure was still really high the whole time I was in the hospital and for 2 weeks after I was home. I would constantly get bad headaches and the doctors would be stumped as to why my preeclampsia wasn’t going away even though the baby was out.
We stayed in the hospital 4 days while I recovered and Sawyer was monitored. I’ll never forget the first time they had me get up and walk to the bathroom. It was excruciating. I’ve never felt pain like that in my life. The 4 feet between my bed and the toilet seemed like and eternity and with each step I felt my incision burn. The nurse had to do basically everything for me, which is one of the most humbling experiences of my life.
I was, for the first time ever, completely bed ridden. I didn’t change a single diaper until we were home from the hospital. I couldn’t. When Sawyer cried in the middle of the night, I couldn’t sit up in bed to pick him up and comfort him. Kurtis did every diaper change and almost every feeding. Sawyer wouldn’t latch for the first couple of days due to being a preemie, and had to be bottle fed donor milk. I stopped drinking water the second day we were there to avoid having to go to the bathroom again, I couldn’t bear the idea of walking. I took painkillers to no avail. Doctors and nurses were constantly coming in at any hour of the day or night and I wasn’t getting any sleep.
Finally, on day 3, the pain wasn’t quite as bad and I was able to stand and take a shower (with lots of help), and walk down the hall to the ice machine and back. Sitting up in bed was still the hardest thing and everything I did still hurt pretty badly. I was still having preeclampsia symptoms on top of all this. On day 4 we were finally discharged and could take Sawyer home.
Home was a whole new challenge. Luckily, Kurtis got a “paternity leave” from work and was able to spend the first 2 weeks with me. Plus both of our families live in town and were able to help a lot. We came home to a completely clean house and all the baby stuff set up where we would need it. We were provided meals, and our mom’s would sit with Sawyer during the day so we could nap. But I still relied heavily on pain medication, I was still experiencing a lot of preeclampsia symptoms, I needed help getting up and down the stairs and had a really hard time with Sawyer’s night-time feedings. Kurtis can sleep through absolutely anything and the hardest thing was still sitting up and getting out of bed.
But I did it. I did all of it. I pushed through every ounce of pain and every shred of anxiety and I tackled a premature birth requiring an emergency C-section, recovery from said C-section while simultaneously recovering from preeclampsia as well, all while caring for and adjusting to a newborn. And I don’t mean to toot my own horn but for the girl who used to need nurses to hold her down while she got a shot, I’m pretty proud of myself for handling everything and coming out okay. Sawyer and I are both healthy, and we couldn’t have done it without all the help and support of my amazing husband and our families. I’m stronger than I ever knew but I did it all for him. And I’d do it all over again if it meant my beautiful, healthy baby would be sleeping on my chest like he is right now. Nothing about this was planned. From his conception to his delivery he has been constantly surprising us but he’s the biggest blessing we could’ve imagined.
First of all, thank you all so much for your prayers and sweet words. Kurtis, baby, and I are currently all doing fine. Baby is still in my tummy by the way!
As most of you know, I was diagnosed with preeclampsia on Monday. I went into the doctor’s office for my normal 35 week checkup and my blood pressure was a little high so after my check up they had me stay for 20 minutes of monitoring and some other tests. The baby looked great on the monitor, steady heartbeat and squirming all around, but they found a lot of protein in my urine test, combined with some questionable lab results, and my high blood pressure was enough to diagnose me.
If you don’t know what preeclampsia is, it is basically just high blood pressure during pregnancy that, if left untreated, can have some pretty bad or even fatal consequences for mom or baby or both. Everyone’s case is different, and in my case, baby brown is completely fine in there, thumping away, it’s me that’s not okay. The only cure for preeclampsia is to deliver the baby.
She told me they were going to keep a close eye on me and that everything should be fine but the baby would have to be born at 37 weeks (still 2 weeks away) at the very latest. She then told me that if I got a headache tylenol didn’t take care of, or I got oddly nauseous or had blurry vision that I would need to go in right away.
My heart sank as I told her I had had a headache since early that morning and taken tylenol a few hours beforehand and it hadn’t gone away. I saw her face grow concerned and she told me she would call the hospital and tell them I was on my way. Kurtis was outside on a conference call this whole time and had no idea what was happening. I went out and told him and we were on our way.
The next 3 days are a huge whirlwind. At the hospital, they hooked me up to machines to monitor me to decide if I needed to be admitted or if I could go home. Almost every time she took my blood pressure, it set off alarms it was so high. They decided to admit me, and moved me to my own room. Kurtis ran home to get stuff (we were kicking ourselves for not having hospital bags) and take Bennett to his parents, and my mom came down to be with me.
After they moved me a bunch of nurses came in and hooked me up to all kinds of things, took lots of blood and urine, etc. I also got an ultrasound to make sure baby was developed thoroughly in case he needed to come out that night. He was! Strong lungs, and he already weights about 6.3 lbs! A little while after that, the doctor came in. She told me that they were going to put me on medication for the night and see how I did, they wanted to try and keep him in for a few more days to give him some more time, but ultimately, he needed to come out in order for me to be okay.
This is the frustrating part, but I guess it just comes with the unpredictabilities of pregnancy and the human body. I looked right at her and asked “So, I’m not leaving here without a baby?”
“Oh no, you won’t be going home until after you deliver.”
Kurtis and I went to sleep that night thinking we would have a baby in the morning!
That night was awful. We wrestled with the emotions of me being danger, the baby being a preemie, being completely unprepared, the baby being breeched, my dad being out of the country, and nothing going the way we had thought it would. On top of all the emotional turmoil, I felt awful. My head was pounding, I had heartburn and really bad nausea, I was hooked up to a ton of machines making it impossible to get comfortable, and my blood pressure cuff took a reading every 15 minutes making it impossible to sleep.
I kept thinking about how badly I wanted to be home in my own bed with Kurtis and Bennett.
However, morning came and I had greatly improved. My blood pressure was still much to high for normal people, but lower than it had been the day before, and my headache was gone. They took more blood and all my labs had improved as well. A different doctor came in and told me they wanted to hold off on delivery as long as I was stable. He said they would keep me in the hospital another day or two to monitor me. As long as I stayed stable, baby stayed in. As soon as I was unstable (my BP spiked, I got another headache, I started having contractions, I swell up again, etc.) baby needed to come out immediately. The ultimate goal is to keep me stable as long as possible and hopefully get me to the 37 week mark. We don’t know if I’ll make it that far, but the more time baby has to cook, the better, even if it’s only 3 more days.
So, after 2 days on monitoring, I was able to stay stable for a full 24 hours. My blood pressure is still very high for a normal person, but on the lower side for preeclampsia. The swelling in my feet has even gone down for the first time in 3 weeks thanks to some pressure treatments! I am at home, I still have preeclampsia, I am still pregnant, and I am on bed rest. We have a blood pressure cuff here at home with us to check me every couple of hours, and I will go in to see my regular doctor for tests every few days. If my BP spikes or I get a headache or any other symptoms I have to go in right away to take baby out. They gave me the option to stay in the hospital until I was full term but we would much rather be home. I will not be allowed to go past the 37 week mark, so baby brown will be here on July 6th at the latest! And that’s only if my condition stays stable until then.
So again, thank you all so much for your prayers! I truly believe that it is the reason why I am now out of the danger zone, and have improved and been able to stay stable this long. I am also thankful we went to the doctor when we did. We actually weren’t supposed to go until the following week, but we can only go on Mondays and they didn’t have any openings so we went a week early. I don’t even want to think about what could’ve happened if my blood pressure had continued to climb the way it was headed without getting proper medical attention. Kurtis wasn’t even supposed to have work off that day but pulled a few strings and was able to come to the appointment with me. Also, as many of you know my Dad is currently overseas and we were all devastated that he was going to miss the birth. But now, as long as everything keeps going well he should be back in time! We are so blessed in so many ways and so so thankful that The Lord was clearly watching over us on Monday. And although we are a tad disappointed we didn’t get to bring home a baby like we were originally told, we know it’s best for him to stay in a little while longer, and are thankful he gets the chance to.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers that I will stay stable and Thumper will cook until 37 weeks! Also, that I won’t die of boredom while on bed rest.
On sunday, my mom and my 2 best friends threw me a wonderful baby shower! I could not have been more blessed. The shower was The Lion King themed because that is my all time favorite movie! We had delicious snacks, played fun games, and I was blessed with all sorts of baby gifts! It was wonderful to get together with family and friends and celebrate life. And our little Thumper is pretty much set on clothes from newborn to one year. He seriously doesn’t need a thing! And we have enough diapers to last us the first month or two, plus a decent amount of gift cards to pick up everything else we still need!
Here are some snapshots from the day!
The day after the shower my mom came over and we spent all day putting everything away and setting up the nursery! It is 90% done now we are just waiting on the rest of the bedding and a rug! Surprise! Here’s a nursery preview:
The theme of the room is aviation. I’ll do a more detailed post on it once it’s 100% done!